Cats Are From Venus, Dogs Are From Pluto

A kitchen discussion overheard one Saturday morning at Ed. and Pamela's home concerning the recent debate over the relative intelligence of dogs vs. cats ...

"You fellows know, of course, that canines hold a distinct IQ advantage over cats," Jordy, Pam's pup, said to his feline housemates, TP and Nitro.

"After all," said Jordy, who was adding droplets of lemon juice as he whipped up a rich Hollandaise sauce, "what do cats do, other than slice things open without warning and then come around wanting to have their neck scratched? How smart do you have to be to pee in the same box everyday?"

"Oh, here we go again," mumbled TP. Sliding out from a black metal computer housing, TP took off an anti-static strap and, putting down a new cd burner he was installing, replied: "Actually, Jordan, you know felines are extremely gifted beings. ... Foo, I forgot to set the jumpers on the IDE device. ... Where was I? Oh yes. Cats, to the kit, are inherently brilliant and gifted. Our vocabulary is rich and full; our spirit noble and giving."

"Oh, catnip, Teep," said Jordy, who by this time was shaking a light flurry of powdered sugar onto the sweet Crepes Suzette he had rolled. "Do you really think cats are even as smart as dogs? I seem to remember one fat, gray little kitty who had to be taught by a dog how to snatch fallen nibblets from under the dining table when the People were eating.

"And we're not even going to talk about your furball friend, over there," said Jordan, pointing his muzzle toward the cardboard box that held a crouching Nitro."

"What do you mean, you flop-eared flea machine," hissed Nitro, who by this time could be seen as a small black and white head peering out from the mouth of the box. "I wouldn't be signing up for any Mensa qualification tests if I were you, J. I mean. c'mon, you're how old and still haven't learned that dogs aren't supposed to pee in the cat box?

Jordy carved another strawberry into a rose and arranged it on a plate.

"What? There's a sign on it?"

Nitro continued: "In my last research paper, which I might add was published in the noted Journal of Comparative Animal Psychology, I detailed the indisputable results of numerous studies showing that cats test out, on average, two standard deviations above the mean in the widely-accepted FSB (Feline Stanford-Binet) assessment of intelligence. Dogs, on the other paw, while of relatively high IQ when compared to People, rarely score higher than "bright average."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to the composition of my newest symphony, 'Hissssssss in D Minor'. "

"Cats!" sighed Jordan. "They get Solti to conduct one or two symphonies, and they think they know everything."

TP, who had his eyes fixed on the IBM's monitor, which was filled with hexadecimal coding, lifted a paw off the keyboard and extended it sideways in the air, like a Jerry Springer guest.

"Yo, will you two please pipe down. Gates needs this subroutine by Friday or the new tablet computers can't ship until Q1 '03. And the NSA wants the Hyper Encryption Algorithm ASAP."

"Sorry, Teep," Jordy said. "Anyway, breakfast is ready."

... Meanwhile, in another room, Ed. and Pamela switched off the Simpsons rerun marathon they'd been watching, and headed for the kitchen.