Cats Are From Venus, Dogs Are From Pluto

A kitchen discussion overheard one Saturday morning at Ed. and Pamela's home concerning the recent debate over the relative intelligence of dogs vs. cats ...

"You fellows know, of course, that canines hold a distinct IQ advantage over cats," Jordy, Pam's pup, said to his feline housemates, TP and Nitro.

"After all," said Jordy, who was adding droplets of lemon juice as he whipped up a rich Hollandaise sauce, "what do cats do, other than slice things open without warning and then come around wanting to have their neck scratched? How smart do you have to be to pee in the same box everyday?"

"Oh, here we go again," mumbled TP. Sliding out from a black metal computer housing, TP took off an anti-static strap and, putting down a new cd burner he was installing, replied: "Actually, Jordan, you know felines are extremely gifted beings. ... Foo, I forgot to set the jumpers on the IDE device. ... Where was I? Oh yes. Cats, to the kit, are inherently brilliant and gifted. Our vocabulary is rich and full; our spirit noble and giving."

"Oh, catnip, Teep," said Jordy, who by this time was shaking a light flurry of powdered sugar onto the sweet Crepes Suzette he had rolled. "Do you really think cats are even as smart as dogs? I seem to remember one fat, gray little kitty who had to be taught by a dog how to snatch fallen nibblets from under the dining table when the People were eating.

"And we're not even going to talk about your furball friend, over there," said Jordan, pointing his muzzle toward the cardboard box that held a crouching Nitro."

"What do you mean, you flop-eared flea machine," hissed Nitro, who by this time could be seen as a small black and white head peering out from the mouth of the box. "I wouldn't be signing up for any Mensa qualification tests if I were you, J. I mean. c'mon, you're how old and still haven't learned that dogs aren't supposed to pee in the cat box?

Jordy carved another strawberry into a rose and arranged it on a plate.

"What? There's a sign on it?"

Nitro continued: "In my last research paper, which I might add was published in the noted Journal of Comparative Animal Psychology, I detailed the indisputable results of numerous studies showing that cats test out, on average, two standard deviations above the mean in the widely-accepted FSB (Feline Stanford-Binet) assessment of intelligence. Dogs, on the other paw, while of relatively high IQ when compared to People, rarely score higher than "bright average."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to the composition of my newest symphony, 'Hissssssss in D Minor'. "

"Cats!" sighed Jordan. "They get Solti to conduct one or two symphonies, and they think they know everything."

TP, who had his eyes fixed on the IBM's monitor, which was filled with hexadecimal coding, lifted a paw off the keyboard and extended it sideways in the air, like a Jerry Springer guest.

"Yo, will you two please pipe down. Gates needs this subroutine by Friday or the new tablet computers can't ship until Q1 '03. And the NSA wants the Hyper Encryption Algorithm ASAP."

"Sorry, Teep," Jordy said. "Anyway, breakfast is ready."

... Meanwhile, in another room, Ed. and Pamela switched off the Simpsons rerun marathon they'd been watching, and headed for the kitchen.

HU'S ON FIRST

Oh geez, Ed. just read this and is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off!

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?

Will the 27th person in line to be the Al-Qaida Mastermind please stand up.

Okay, for those of you trying to keep score, it IS about the seventh time the Persian Gulf Mastermind of Al-Qaida has been captured (AP). Also, AQ's No.1 Money Man has been captured at least five times. Ed. finds this accounting perfectly plausible under the theory that every time we catch the No. 1 guy, the No. 2 guy gets promoted, and so on. This is going to continue until the US and its Allies begin working from the bottom, up. We have to go after the No. 27 guy in Al-Qaida, then No. 26. That way when we do nab No. 1, there won't be anyone left to take his place.

Got Milk

Well, Ed. has just been chortling all morning and snorting milk out his nose over this Jesus as Pitchman thing outta Detroit (infra). The guy's gone totally daft, singing to himself all day. To wit:


What if Christ drove a Subaru,
To get to work, just like me and you.
Shiny paint, all clean and new,
and bumpers made of chrome,
to drive the J Dude back to home,
chatting on his new cell phone.

... to his pitchman back in Rome.

Scientist To Create Life!

The New York Times tells us Thursday that Dr. J. Craig Venter of the Institute for Genomic Research is trying to create a living cell by chemically synthesizing all its components. Dr. Venter figures to synthesize a bit of DNA and stuff it into a manufactured cell to create a thingy with no useful functions. Sigh, remember the good ol' days when people reproduced the old-fashioned way? Ed. wonders whether the good doctor has been watching too many late night horror flix.

Jesus Nets Endorsement Deal

John Porretto, of AP, tells the Chicago Sun-Times that Detroit religious groups have kicked off a "What Would Jesus Drive" campaign. Apparently the Big J prefers subcompact cars. Ed. had thought that this transportation choice question was answered some time back by St. Joan Osborne, who divined that Jesus, in fact, takes the bus.
Jesus was unavailable for comment, Thursday, but a spokesman told Ed. Note, "Jesus actually has a number of endorsement deals in development. Microsoft, Nike, and The Gap are among the front runners. One fast food megachain is pitching a 'Holy Meal.' " Ed. can hear the jingle now: "Two beef-flavored wafers, special sauce, lettuce. cheese, pickle, onion on a sesame seed bun!" (Wait a minute! Don't they already sell that?) A competing burger chain is hoping JC will buy into their new, "Have it Yahweh" campaign.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Buddha confirmed that the B Man is developing a line of burlap clothing to be featured through a prime product placement deal in the next James Bond film, "Enough Is Enough."

And Just Who The Hell Is Ed. Note?

Ed. Note (but you can call him, "Ed.") is a veteran Chicago newspaper reporter/investigator/editor who spent decades covering the daily dramas of that great Midwestern city. This blog is his way of presenting news and opinion to readers without the tyrannical, oppressive meddling of (mis)managing editors and assistant flunkies. Oh, the stories I could tell! But he has some good ones, too, that he'll share with you from time to time. ... Like the time he scooped the esteemed cop beat reporter from an opposing paper while taking a whiz on a bush one night when he was out covering a hostage story. A cop had taken his wife and his partner hostage over some perceived ill turn of fate, but he let the partner go. Once outside, the partner had to "go." And when he went, Ed. was going too. Well, the two guys sharing the bush began bantering about the freezing winter weather and the nearby unfolding drama. People are funny with reporters: either they won't talk, or you just can't shut them up. So, the liberated gendarme filled Ed. in on every little detail involved in the hostage-taking incident (which ended peacefully). Admittedly, sometimes news is like a hotdog ... you do NOT want to know how it was made. But the Windy City has more than 3 million stories. This has been one of them.

Coverup Foiled!

Benjamin Weiser pens that a U.S. District Court judge on The Rock has overturned a New York state law that banned the wearing of masks at public gatherings. This blog has learned that children across the state expressed relief at the ruling. "Geez, I thought the cops were going to do a Louima on me when they busted me for wearing my Spiderman mask last Halloween," said little Jimmy (last name withheld), 9, of W. East St., B'lyn."

Does That Include Popcorn Sales?

A former colleague, and a really nice guy, Jan Herman, writes in his most current The Juice column (MSNBCi) that estimated ticket sales for M&M's "8 Mile" were inflated by $2 mil. No need to hold a Tag Day for M, though ... the rap flick still grossed $19.3 mil on its second go. And he still kisses his ma with that mouth! (M, that is. Not Jan.)

Indiana U Students Film Video Resumes

One more article from the Chicago Sun-Times (and AP). It seems that a bunch of IU students have latched onto a new way to showcase their talents.

Short Odds

The Chicago Sun-Times, today, reports that four daughters of lame duck Gov. George Ryan (R), have received immunity from federal prosecution to testify before a grand jury investigating their pop. Ryan, while Illinois Secretary of State, surrounded himself with a bunch of creeps who (successfully) aspired to become felons, selling drivers' licenses to commercial vehicle operators who flunked state tests. Some went on to kill people in traffic accidents. (The Gov. professes ignorance.) Now, the grand jury is probing payments the Gov's kids received for doing political work. Oddsmakers are betting that Ryan doesn't make it 30 days out of office before being indicted by the feds. Shame, shame, George!

Personal to Michael "Airhead" Jordan:

For Pete's Sake, Mike! You wore baggy gym shorts down to your knees and you still couldn't keep it in your pants. What an ass.

Say It Loud: HELL NO!

After spending decades as a Chicago newspaper journalist, I must say it is more than somewhat ironic that the Chicago Tribune (It's not your Colonel's rag anymore.) should become a beacon of Libertarian values. But history aside, today's Trib piece by Kathleen Parker aptly states: "As homeland security heats up and federal officials consider extending the government's plans to--oh, let's just go ahead and say it--spy on Americans, patriotic citizens who value civil liberties might want to start practicing a few words that could prove useful in the coming weeks and months: "Not no, but hell no.' "

One of life's great truisms is that "The Wheel Always Turns." One day, when political balance is restored to the Hill, many extant and future legislative rollbacks in civil liberties will, themselves, be undone. Until that time, "Bar the doors, Katie!" I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who opined: "A society that would trade a little freedom for a little more order deserves neither, and will lose both."

City of Unions

The Chicago Tribune today reports that the corporate thugs at Safeway have learned a lesson about doing business in the Windy City: Chicago Unions Push Back - Hard!

Whether this is a an entirely positive development for the workers of the once-honorable Dominick's Food Stores chain remains to be seen. But it does have value in again demonstrating to Corporate America that trade unionism is not dead (despite the wishes of Big Business). Historically, unions have been accused of everything from Communist politics to national economic meltdowns, but the Truth is that when balanced against obscenely high executive salaries and the shareholder-is-god mentality, it's better for everyone that workers are paid enough to feed, clothe and educate their families. If they win good insurance and pension benefits, all the better.

Welcome to my blog. I am Ed. Note, and I invite you to put on a good rant during our time together ... I sure will! This blog will be frequently updated.