Ed is Back, and will soon explain his long absence.

Ed is Back, and will soon explain his long absence.

There is a good reason for his absence. I think.

But you be the judge.

Stay tuned. 

And Just Who The Hell Is Ed. Note?

And Just Who The Hell Is Ed. Note? Ed. Note (you can call him, "Ed.") is a veteran Chicago newspaper reporter/investigator/editor who spent decades covering the daily dramas of that great Midwestern city.

This blog is his way of presenting news and opinion to readers without the tyrannical, oppressive meddling of (mis)managing editors and assistant flunkies.

Oh, the stories I could tell! But he has some good ones, too, that he'll share with you from time to time.

The Titanic saga ... in 30 Seconds ... by Bunnies!

Ed. reported Tuesday that he got quite a chuckle out of the web production of Titanic ... in 30 Seconds ... by Bunnies, which you can find here.

He said he's very much looking forward to the Bunny version of the 2004 Presidential campaign, hopefully featuring CBS News in a cameo as the jackass.

CBS and the Bush memo

Ed. Note said today that CBS news ought not be so defensive about challenges to the credibility of its Bush memo. The Chicago Sun-Times shares some thoughts on the controversy, here.

There's many more links to the IBM Selectric Bush memo story, here.

"It's not that I care all that much about Bush's service record," said Ed. "Nor about Kerry's. One issue, for me, is whether a news organization is willing to re-reinvestigate its evidence in light of such substantial challenges to its authenticity. "

Another issue, said Ed., is whether someone has committed forgery during such an important period for public examination of presidential candidates.

Many Americans feel that truly honorable service in a reserve branch of the military is, in fact, true and heartfelt service to one's country. It is impossible to argue to the contrary and, yet, honor the sacrifices of guardsmen and reservists now engaged in military operations overseas or in support roles back home.

Ed. Note notes that he was against the war in Viet Nam, but supports current US intervention in Iraq and elsewhere. He hopes that doesn't get him accused of "flip-flopping" on the issue of whether the US ought to respond to credible threats against its security.

"In the end, whether genuine or not, either the critics or CBS ought to have enough integrity to admit error," said Ed.. "And also in the end, neither Kerry nor Bush are the same person they were 30 years ago, so stow the nostalgic reprise of who they were then. Show me who you are now; dazzle us with your plans to get us out of these quagmires."

... for even a thief may steal his way into heaven.

And so on this Sunday morning, the 5th of September, 2004, Ed. learned from Reuters the story of the repentant thief.

It turns out that in Berlin there was a thief who snatched a laptop computer and ran. The store clerk gave chase, fell and cried out in pain as he broke his arm. The thief turned back at this, returned the laptop and said "I'm sorry" to the injured clerk. The thief then ran off.

Ed. notes that the Reuters story wasn't much longer that this recap. And yet, Ed. asks, does not this "short" or "brief" (as reporters call such tiny stories) reveal a profound truth about humanity ... about the victim ... the assailant ... repentance and about hope?

Ed. said that whether one believes in a god, or not ... in spirits, or not ... in sin, damnation and the utility of punishment, or not -- there must be hope that those who do wrong to their fellows will simply stop ... or that they can BE stopped.

And, Ed. askesd is it not a sad and terrible thing to lose hope. How bereft of spirit is one who looks at a person and sees only hopelessness and wounds that can never be healed. The effects of this surround all mankind every day. This wound is deep within the law enforcment officer, or homeowner, who kills to stop another who threatens death or dangerous assault, as well as in the battered spouse who feels no choice but to kill to survive. It is in the homeless beggar living under the highway, or behind the garbage dumpsters, or in any shantytown across the world. It grows in the terminally ill, the battered child, the dishonest official. It is within so many, many people.

Hopelessness is surely in the hearts of so many parents and loved ones in Besslan, Russia, near Chechnya.

If only it were easier to successfully hang on to one's hope. There are times, it seems to Ed., when by all rights all hope should be lost.

And yet, sometimes, something happens to remind Ed. that hope exists. To be sure, Ed. said, hope, alone, is not enough. But without it, everything in the entire universe, too, is never enough.

Ed. said he wants to have hope, and he wants to share what hope he has with you, as well. This is why, today he re-reported the story of the repentant thief in Berlin. It is a deceptively small story, Ed. said. With so much at stake can there ever be such a thing as a small hope?

Ed. lives!

Ed. Note lives!

... and he's wondering just what the hell they're thinking up in Beslan, North Ossetia, up around Chechnya. Really, now ... do the people who did this think that it won over support for their cause? The militants left hundreds dead. Hundreds more were injured, some are dying. Many are children.

Quoth MSNBC: "the gym had also been rigged with explosives packed in plastic bottles strung up around the room on a cord and stuffed with metal objects."

And: "A sobbing young girl who escaped the school told NTV that a suicide bomber blew herself up in the gym where children were kept captive."

No, the murderers did not intend to win support by their compelling logic or the appeal of their humanistic philosophies. Their goal is to bully the world.

Ed. doesn't care about the nationality of the killers, nor of their religious persuasion. But he notes that according to MSNBC, "a number of the dead militants were Arab mercenaries."

It was said that some of the militant commandos were taken into custody.

Ed. so disagrees with that decision. He believes there should be no prisoners in cases such as Beslan, North Ossetia because the line has been crossed and the world must now say: "You WILL NOT declare war on our children any more! If you try, you will be summarily executed in the square and will truly learn the meaning of 'merciless'."

Enough is enough.

Martin Blows It!

Well, as it turns out it didn't take new Illinois Secretary of Transportation Tim Martin very long to blow his first shot at maintaining safe roads in bad weather Wednesday.

After a short, freak snow storm blanketed Chicago expressways with 1 inch of fluff Tuesday night -- after days of zero-degree weather -- by the wee hours of Wednesday morning Interstate-290, the Eisenhower Expy., was one big sheet of black ice so treacherous a person couldn't even walk on it, much less drive a vehicle over it without crashing or spinning off into a ditch..

Earlier Tuesday night Martin had 17 salt trucks manning the roads, including the Eisenhower, but sent seven crews home for the Lincoln holiday by 10 p.m. Tuesday to avoid paying holiday overtime pay to the drivers.

Within hours Illinois State Police shut down 14 miles (7 in each direction) of the Ike because roadway icing had caused 50 vehicular accidents, some of them life-threatening.

Martin, who Ed. thinks built nothing but junk substandard buildings as the former Chief of Operations of the Chicago Board of Education, seems to have taken his level of incompetence with him to his new state office. Unfortunately, Martin -- who's been in the new job less than a month -- now holds the lives of millions of motorists in his slippery hands.

Ed. simply cannot believe that this idiot is now in charge of thousands of miles of state and federal roads in the Land of Lincoln, much less a multi-billion dollar budget. New Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, also known as Gov. BJ, ought to have his feet held over the fire for hiring Martin, who is nothing but an incompetent hack. If the new governor had any sense, he'd can Martin before someone dies because of his many shortcomings ... and he'd rehire the venerable former state transportation chief, Kirk Brown.

Ed. will listen attentively tonight as President George W. Bush reveals the "State of the Nation" in his televised annual speech.

What Ed. will be listening for is some definitive explanation for why the U.S. keeps insisting that Iraq's Saddam Hussein is hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction (nuclear, chemical and/or biological) and HOW we know he is.

Ed. is guessing that he knows the answer to the question, and he suggests to President Bush that confession is good for the soul.

Could it be that the U.S. Military's knowledge of the purportedly missing/hidden stockpiles of VX nerve Gas, Mustard Gas and other deadly substances comes from the fact that the U.S. either provided the poisons to Iraq, gave over the formulas, funded the laboratories or inspected the stockpiles when Hussein was doing our dirty work and using them against Iran back when hostilities with that nation were at full flame decades ago?

If we "know" there are missing WMD because we gave them the toxins or saw them with a blind eye, then the U.S. ought to simply SAY SO instead of making people wonder why the U.S. is so insistant on the point when UN weapsons inspectors cannot find any evidence that Hussein has or had them.

Once the truth is out, the American people ... no, the World ... can better decide whether Iraq is likely to still have stores of VX gas, etc., and exactly what then to do if he does.

But to be sure, this incredible game of cat-and-mouse can not continue. Americans are losing faith in the process and in political leaders who keep insisting that what cannot be found does, in fact, exist.

Ed. is not against bombing America's enemies into obilvion. But for the sake of the innocent victims of battle, he just wants to know that there is a REAL reason for doing so besides Hussein's generally disagreeable personality.

As has often been said: "... the truth shall set you free."

Airlines Balk At Reporting Animal Deaths, Injuries

Ed. wonders whether air travel is down because flyers fear terrorist attacks or because people are totally fed up with the arrogance and abuse of the airlines.

Reuters writes that many major air carriers are threatening to stop transporting pets if the U.S. government forces them to disclose the number of animals they lose and how many die or are injured on the carriers' planes.

The reporting rule was proposed by the Federal Aviation Administration -- there's a hoot -- and passed by Congress last year.

"The biggest airlines, through their lobbying group, the Air Transport Association, say the rule would be logistically difficult and cost prohibitive. Delta Air Lines said the inspections could cost more than $1 million annually," according to the Reuters story.

However, estimates claim that at least 5,000 animals die on airplanes each year.

Ed. finds it even more absurd that the FAA, which for years had fought efforts to properly train and professionalize airport security checkpoint guards, should demand higher scrutiny for animals.

Another Sad Day for Chicago's Airports and Aviation Safety

It was a sad day for aviation safety in Spring 2000 when former Chicago deputy police superintendent John Townsend took over airport security for the Chicago Department of Aviation, which operates O'Hare International Airport, Midway Airport and Meigs Field.

What Ed. knows as fact is that upon his arrival, Townsend, a hack who knew more about bodyguarding his neighbor, Mayor Richard M. Daley, than about federal aviation law, pushed out one of the world's foremost aviation security experts, Rich Kunicki, who at the time was Chief of Aviation Security for Chicago.

Kunicki is a man whose knowledge and experience defined airport security, and who had been called upon by Presidents and Vice Presidents, Congress and international airport operators to help make airports and air travel safer.

He also had a plan to make Chicago's O'Hare and Midway airports safer. Long before September 11, 2001, Kunicki recognized the flaw in using cheap, untrained, unprofessional private security guards to man airport security checkpoints -- and even before 2000 he had a plan to either eliminate the "door checkers" or professionalize the corps with FBI-level background checks, mandatory college-level courses in aviation security, required continuing education and a $4 per hour wage hike -- from $8 to $12 -- to attract professionals to careers in airport security.

Townsend didn't have a plan and couldn't come up with one to save his -- or anyone else's -- life. Pushed to release a revamp of O'Hare's security nightmare in 2000, all Townsend could do was run, hide and conspire with other Chicago Department of Aviation nincompoops to rid the agency of its reformer.

Kunicki was relegated to a do-nothing job in a pitiful little office with a telephone and two desks.

Now Daley has pushed another crony into the top airport security job, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. Donald Zoufal, 45, has become a deputy aviation commissioner whose job it is to work out an agreement with the federal Transportation Security Administration to get the feds out of O'Hare's airport security checkpoints and put in Chicago police officers -- probably working on overtime. Can you say: "Ka-Ching!" There's nothing like giving cops more pay to secure their loyalty for an upcoming mayoral re-election bid.

Not since the realm of Chicago Aviation Commissioner Mary Rose Loney has security been the No. 1 concern of city aldermen (certainly not that of bumbling Pat Lavar, 45th Ward Alderman and chair of the City Council Aviation Committee), airport officials or even Chicago's mayor. Kunicki was her No. 1 security guy.

But she left and the then city street-paving chief, Thomas Walker, was tapped to head the aviation department.

Kunicki's reports and proposals on aviation and airport security were buried, or their covers altered to show Townsend as their architect. Townsend ... who Ed. believes couldn't find his ass with both hands if an airport sign was pointing to it.

Ed. also holds the opinion that deputy aviation commissioner John Harris -- another former (civilian) deputy police commissioner -- is also to blame for O'Hare's failure to reform airport security. So too are Robert Rapel, the aviation department's lawyer and long long time Daley buddy. So too is department inter-governmental affairs director Michael Boland, former campaigner in the failed election bid of Carol Mosely-Braun, and agency PR mouthpiece Monique Bond, who was more concerned with the security of her own job than with the security of millions of air travelers.

Why? Because they ALL had Walker's ear and could have and should have pushed for a speedy revolution in meaningful airport security operations -- new tactics beyond remodeling checkpoint stations to make them more user friendly. But they didn't. And the major airlines -- who paid the private checkpoint security guards -- didn't want reforms that would cost them more money. Meanwhile, the mayor and aviation commissioner were focused on keeping alive plans to rebuild and expand O'Hare's passenger terminals, primarily at the expense of the major airlines.

So once Kunicki was out of the way, no one pushed very hard to reform airport/aviation security.

True, Kunicki's plan was for Chicago's airports. But O'Hare is the worlds busiest and Kunicki was an aviation security expert with an international reputation. No one will ever know whether his ideas would have taken root at Boston's Logan Airport, or Washington, D.C.'s Dulles Airport, or Newark Airport -- from which four airplanes loaded with Al Qaida terrorists and weapons smuggled through airport security took flight the morning of September 11, 2001 to wreak terror across our nation.

But Kunicki -- who was not interviewed for this article -- and Ed. know Chicago's changes would have been noticed across the world.

Sadly, there was nothing of which to take note. Not for at least another year.

IRS Found Guilty Of Fraud!

Well, here's a switch that has Ed. rolling on the floor laughing his ass off.

AP tells the Chicago Sun-Times that a federal appeals court in San Francisco has ruled the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) committed fraud and acted deceptively in giving secret deals to two pilots in return for their testimony against 1,300 other pilots who had bought into the same tax shelters.

The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Friday overturned a previous ruling against the pilots who were found guilty of tax evasion and were ordered to pay more than $2 billion in penalties. In order to remedy the IRS misconduct, the court ordered that all the pilots should receive the same deal that one of the pilots received.

In the secret deal, pilot John Thompson escaped paying the tax man and got a $60,000 refund through falsified tax returns prepared with help from the IRS. He then used the refund to pay his legal fees, and to boot collected $20,000 in interest. The second pilot, John Cravens, also received a secret deal.

Ed. asks whether it isn't about time for someone in Congress and/or the White House to put the brakes on this runaway agency that spys, lies, cheats, steals, drives individuals and business into bankruptcy, puts families out on the street, and engages in fraudulent acts with impunity and distain for the law?

Another Burden Forced On Broadband Users

Ed. is not amused that 1.9 million AT&T broadband users are stuck with having to change their e-mail addresses for the second time in a year.

The Chicago Tribune tells us that Comcast Corp.'s $72 billion acquisition in November of AT&T's high-speed cable system is forcing the second address switch in little more than a year. More than 100,000 Chicago-area customers will watch the part of their e-mail address that appears after the "@" sign change from "attbi.com" to "comcast.net."

The changes are scheduled to take effect in late March and also will affect Internet settings controlling Web page publishing and access to various newsgroups. AT&T subscribers will be able to change their addresses and adjust Internet settings online.

The changes are scheduled to take effect in late March. E-mail sent to the "attbi.com" address will be delivered for a paltry 60 days after the switch.

Ed. considers these repeatedly forced updates of his electronic address book to be a monstrous pain in the ass. ... Not to mention the e-mail that users will lose after paying BIG BUX to sign up with a seemingly stable company capable of providing dependable service. Some bright, technologically adept legislator in Washington, D.C. ought to propose a bill in Congress to force Internet Service Providers (ISPs) to maintain existing e-mail domains and addresses for a minimum of five years after a company is sold or purchased.

A No-Frills Flight

On Naked-Air, a new charter air service, you're not really "dead and gone to heaven" -- it only seems that way, according to Reuters.

For example, passengers aboard a May 3 chartered flight from Miami to Cancun, Mexico, will be free to drop their pants, shed their bras and underwear and move about the cabin au naturel. Castaways Travel, a Houston-area travel agency that specializes in "clothing-optional trips," is offering what it bills as the world's first all-nude flight for $499, round-trip. The destination is an all-inclusive "Nude Week" vacation at the El Dorado Resort & Spa in Cancun.

"Once the aircraft reaches cruising altitude, you will be free to enjoy the flight clothes-free," the agency's web site says.

But no monkey business. "Inappropriate behavior is not condoned for this nude flight."

Castaways bills Nude Week as the first event of its kind to be held Mexico. Guests at the resort on the Caribbean coast will only have to cover up when they are in the hotel's restaurants and reception areas. The bars are fair game for the naked and the nude.

Scoop: Illinois Cabinet Post To Tim Martin?

So who is going to fill the cabinet of new Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich -- or Gov. BJ as he is less-than-affectionately called by the less-than-affectionate?

Ed. hears that Chicago Board of Education Chief Operating Officer Timothy Martin -- a former road-building deputy in the Chicago Department of Transportation (aka the Department of Tony) may be tapped by Gov. BJ to be the state's next Secretary or Director (or whatever they call him) of Transportation. Martin would replace outgoing Illinois Transportation Secretary Kirk Brown, a homespun roads scholar who has presided over state highways and byways for at least three governors.

Martin's list of accomplishments includes the massive CDOT relocation of Lake Shore Drive around Soldier Field, in Chicago, and primary implementation of a $5 Billion public schools capital building program.

Send In The Clones ...

It comes too late for Christmas, but BioFusion Tech Inc.'s RMX 2010 cell fusion machine will let you make your own clones IN YOUR VERY OWN HOME! The $9,199 device comes from the folks who make the cloning equipment used by the Raelian Sect's Clonaid baby labs.

Now, this is one of the low-end cloning machines on the market, so buyers should not expect a full-featured machine.

BioFusion officials told AP, who told Alan Boyle, who pens MSNBCi's Cosmic Log blog that the RMX 2010 process has limitations: “An egg and a somatic cell from different individuals can’t be fused.” said a company spokesman.

That means it can only clone women, using eggs and donor cells from their own bodies -- therefore no Sonnys, only Chers. Make sure you get a money-back guarantee, though, in case the equipment's operation turns out to be as unverifiable as the earlier claims from Clonaid.

Ed. figures it's only a matter of time before you see Ron Popeil hawking the new Clone-o-Matic thingy on ubiquitous late night cable TV infomercials for a discount $8,999.99.

Ed. Back From Hiatus! World Sighs Relief!

Ed., finally over his New Year's Eve hangover, returns to put fingers on keys to pound out even more news you can chew.

So let's settle in and take a read of what's been going on in the world for the past week.

Formula For Happiness Discovered! Brit Researchers Are ... Happy!

Happiness = P + 5E + 3H.

What, you didn't know that? Reuters did.

After interviewing 1000 people, the British researchers -- a psychologist and a self-styled "life coach" -- came up with the equasion in which: P stands for Personal Characteristics (outlook on life, adaptability and resilience); E for Existence (health, friendships and financial stability) and H represents Higher Order (self-esteem, expectations and ambitions).

The results of the pioneering work by psychologist Carol Rothwell and Pete Cohen showed that men and women found happiness in different ways.

Sunny weather, being with family and losing weight were more of an influence on women's happiness, while romance, sex, hobbies and victories by their favorite sports teams were more important to men.

"The findings show that certain events, such as job promotion, can impact positively on your overall happiness," Rothwell said.

Fancy that ... sex, sports and hobbies make men happy. Who'd a thunk it, Ed. wonders.

Ed. does know what makes junk scientists happy -- that people and companies and governments actually fund these kinds of research projects.

Internet Almost Old Enough to Drink Booze

... Happy Birthday, Dear In-ter-net! Happy 20th Birthday, to youuuuuuu!

Albeit, a little belated.

Why just the other day, AP was reminding Ed. that the Internet was born on January 1, 1983, when about 400 computers linked to ARPANET switched to the TCP/IP communications protocol. That allowed multiple networks to coexist. Applications like the World Wide Web were developed and took root.

And SPAM would soon be known as more than just a bad choice of sandwich meat.

Just Whose DNA Is It, Anyway?

Police have taken warrantless searches to their most invasive extreme with a new technique called the DNA Dragnet, according to the New York Times.

Louisiana police collected DNA mouth swabs from 800 men in their search for the serial killer of four young women. Swabees were told they didn't have to provide the sample, but if they didn't, police would leak their names to the press as "non-cooperative" in the investigation.

The idea actually began in Britain in 1987, when police hunting a rapist tested 4,000 men in Leicestershire. A decade later, and DNA dragnets became all the rage in northern Germany, where more than 16,000 men were tested. In the mid-90s, police in the Miami suburbs netted 2,000 DNA samples in a case. Five years ago, law enforcement authorities in Maryland swabbed 400 makes hospital workers looking for a rapist-killer.

Cops collecting and screening large samples of DNA to catch felons? So what could be wrong with that?

The first thought that comes to Ed.'s mind is: Are the DNA samples and genetic information of innocent men and women removed from these databases once the guilty party has been arrested and convicted?

Answer: No.

Ok. Then Ed. ponders the formation of a National DNA Database, with DNA taken from every American at birth and used solely to aid in identifying criminals? Sound like a good idea?

If you like the notion, YOU can be among the first to submit YOUR children to this DNA Dragnet.

Some Random Thoughts At The Cusp Of The New Year

Why have local TV news readers become so free with their horseshit opinions on the stories they've just read?

It is simply too difficult to pick the worst offenders from Chicago's television news outlets because they ALL have reached the point of ad nauseam comment. There was a time -- before news became entertainment -- that TV anchors and scene reporters put everything into getting the facts fast and straight.

Now, it is sickening to see and hear these personalities "come off the paper" to blurb their pathetic subjective reactions to each news spot every day and night.

"Well, let's hope police can get to the bottom of this case," "Yes, Susan, this was an awful tragedy," and "No, Dian, I don't think anything quite like this has every happened here before" are common variants of this Toob Boob Syndrome.

A related violation takes the form of the "turn and blurb," in which anchors engage in compulsory acts of chair swiveling to comment stupidly to an on-air colleague about whatever.

Who ever told these idiots that they were supposed to do anything other than read the words of the damned story? What in the hell ever gave them, and their directors and producers, the idea that anyone in the audience cared one snot about the opinion of the reporter, much less the on-air reader? What ever happened to the journalistic dictate that reporters gather facts and report only the facts that they have gathered? ... And that while they may have personal opinions, they MUST KEEP THEM TO THEMSELVES!

TV news people: If you want to comment, get your own marquis commentary spot or write a signed newspaper opinion column. You sound like a bunch of self-important blubbering idiots telling people what you think when what you say amounts to nothing more than some manipulative formulaic patter intended, but failing, to fool people into believing that you are some kind of experts in the subject matter of the news.

Face it, you are talking heads. You don't know anything you haven't been told, so quit trying to pass off your ignorance as insight. You would be pitiable, if you weren't so egregious about it.

A Sucker Bet

Just what kind of shell game is Chicago and Illinois running on its citizens now?

The Chicago Sun-Times, in a Thursday story, tells us that Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley is pushing for a casino in Chicago. As is Donald Trump, who owns a casino in nearby Gary, Ind. and is partners with the Sun-Times in development of a new Trump tower on the site of the newspaper's current headquarters.

Daley's hypocracy is apparent to anyone who has followed his position on legalized gambling in Chicago. Once a major opponent of the idea, Daley villified the industry, its patrons and the huge social cost attached to it. Now that the city is losing revenue hand over fist, laying off hundreds of workers and eviscerating many city services, Daley recently announced that he is game.

The newly-elected Democratic state legislature, which is facing a $2 billion budget shortfall, is rumored to be interested in Daley's proposal, as is Governor-elect Rod Blagojevich. Blagoevich's father is Chicago alderman Richard Mell.

The suburbs of Rosemont, Des Plaines, Summit, Waukegan and Calumet City also want a grab at the last state casino license.

A bill to open horse tracks to slots and boost the number of "gaming positions" at the nine casinos in Illinois is being pushed by the CEO of Balmoral and Maywood Park harness tracks, which this year donated $40,000 to Gov.-elect Rod Blagojevich and $20,000 to state Sen. Emil Jones (D-Chicago). Jones is in front of the queue to be the next state Senate president.

Also jumping aboard the Blagojevich pony was Arlington Park chairman Richard L. Duchossois and the track's parent company, Churchill Downs. Arlington interests gave $37,332 to Blagojevich this year--$25,000 of it coming from Churchill Downs.

Now, Ed. asks rhetorically, what is wrong with the picture of state services -- education, roads, medicare, etc. --- being paid from state's gambling take.

Well, Ed. remembers when the state lottery was proposed with the promise of funding education. By the time the measure was passed and signed, there was no specific set aside of proceeds for education. Lottery proceeds went into Illinois' general fund, to be spent on whatever.

Furthermore, Ed. has a problem with funding governmental operations with money often wrentched from the hands of people who largely cannot afford to lose it. If you don't believe him, go to a casino sometime and just watch the people around you. Go to the cage and to the ATM machine bank and observe the desperation of the people seeking MORE money and a chance to win back all they've already lost. It is a fool's pursuit. It is gambling ... and a bettor never wins.

Ed. is not against vice, per se. But should society fund its necessities with the wages of weakness? Should it profit from vice?

Ed. does not think Illinois or Chicago should. Not even if the state is going broke.

The losses, and perhaps suffering, of the few should not fund the needs of the many. Rather, the many should be paying their own way through higher state taxes.

Or else, they should resolve to get by with less and maintain tax funding of absolute necessities -- such as education and medicare.

Three Christmas Stories For The Price Of One

A Beautiful Christmas Story

Mike Jeffcoat, a Charlotte, N.C. businessman, decided to share his good fortune with others by taping 300 $1 bills to his office window Friday, AP tells us.

A note posted with the cash said, "Please take only what you need. Remember others."

Most people might expect that the cash was gone with the first person who saw it. Some would anticipate a story about how many people were injured in a riot that broke out as a greedy mob fought over the money.

The real story is that many in the crowd took nothing. Some took a few bucks for a cup of coffee.

It took more than a half an hour to deplete the storefront fund.

The moral of the story might be that: "The greatest generosity and compassion sometimes comes from those who have the least to give."

And that is something Ed. hopes everyone will think about this Christmas morn.

Chicago Sun-Times Bebunks Santa Myth

It had to happen.

According to the folklorists, Wiccans and other neo-pagans who've been talking to Cathleen Falsani, of the Chicago Sun-Times, Santa began as a woman -- Holda, the pagan Teutonic goddess of good fortune.

The "experts" told Fasani that Frau Holda has been sliding down chimneys, giving gifts to good children and traveling via an airborn cart since before the birth of Christ.

Ed. notes that this just goes to show you how reporters and their editors will print the "expert" opinions of anyone who can fit their tale into the seasonal story cycle, especially if it can be made to appeal to the demographic "target market" of the moment.

Coming up: Soothsayers convince Falsani that Torquemada actually invented Valentine's Day by his tradition of cutting out victims' hearts and sending them to friends every February.

Santa Stopped By U.S. Border Patrol

John Fulton, of Fort Erie, Ontario, dons a Santa suit every Christmas season to wind surf across the Niagara River. This year strong winds blew him into the U.S., according to an AP story.

Santa Fulton is lucky that all he got was arrested by the U.S. Border patrol, who merely sent him back to Canada.

In these Strangelovian times of Homeland Security, he could have gotten an anti-ballistic missle up his chimney. These are rough times for odd-looking bearded men attempting to drop into the United States from the skies.

Ed. wishes Santa the best of luck, and advises him to give NORAD a little more warning on his upcoming midnight run.

Oprah Is Safe!

As Oprah Winfrey participated in a South African charity event, high winds blew over a tent, injuring 10 people.

Winfrey escaped injury, according to the AP report. Ed. hears that the tent, an old dress that Winfrey once wore in her chubbier days, was actually being used to house the star's oversized ego.

A Word About Those Self-Help Books...

Jerome Schneider and his partner, LA attorney Eric Witmeyer, wrote a book entitled "Hiding Your Money" and hosted "wealth summits" to teach clients how to hide their assets in offshore banks. Schneider's lawyer, not Witmeyer, said his client told people the offshore banks that would be created to hide the wealth should not be used for tax evasion.

Alas, some of Schneider's clients allegedly cheated on their taxes. Now Schneider and Witmeyer are charged with conspiracy to defraud the IRS, wire fraud and mail fraud.

They are facing 115 years in prison, which may give them plenty of time to think about the sequel, "How to Hide Your Money And Not Get Caught."

Ancient Bacteria Discovered!

Ed. notes that scientists have discovered thriving 2,800 year-old bacteria in the Antarctic.

Ed. says this is why he doesn't clean his refrigerator or defrost the freezer.

Is That A Spaceship In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Glad To Meet The New Inmate?

A suburban Chicago man who claimed that an "alien enzyme" in his body caused him to murder a stranger, told the judge in the case to "bite me" when asked to remain quiet in court.

David Teran, 39, who is white, admits he killed Roderick Floyd, 41, an African-American truck driver. But Teran told his ex-wife that he had a compelling reason: killing someone would release the alien enzyme so he could board a spaceship and take his three children off Earth before the planet was destroyed.

Apparently only racist aliens speak to Teran, which must be the reason he used such vile language to describe his victim.

Anyway, from this point on the aliens and their ship won't have any trouble locating Teran. He was sentenced to 45 years in a prison cell for slaying Floyd.

Mama Mia! No Monica!

After having struck out in her bid to become a White House staffer, and blowing her shot at replacing Hillary Clinton as Bill's main squeeze, poor little Monica Lewinsky has now been frustrated in her attempt to become the Oprah of Italian TV, AP tells the Chicago Sun-Times.

Apparently, Italy's state-run TV station, RAI, has bounced Lewinsky from "Domenica In," a Sunday Afternoon chat show, saying it was decided that she would be too spicy for the family variety program.

Perhaps it wasn't the Clinton scandal that did Monica in this time, however. The show's standard format calls for a glamorous woman in the role of host. That pretty much excludes White House snake charmer Lewinsky, whose sole claim to fame thus far comes from her experience as a Presidential cigar holder.

But what's a girl to do to make a living when she has only one discernable talent, such as it is?

Ed. hears the role of "fluff girl" pays good money.

Public's Privates Ruled Private In Public

To counter a Washington State Supreme Court Ruling that people have no reasonable expectation of privacy in their privates when in public, the city of Seattle has passed an ordinance banning "upskirt" photos.

Under the new law "recording or transmitting images of another person's intimate areas" in a public place without their consent would result in a fine of up to $5,000 or up to one year in jail.

Ed. recalls that back in the day it also would have been punishable by a punch in the photographer's nose.

Dog Days Gang Strikes Irvine

...or, The Case of the Bonehead Bandits.

Lisa Morganthaler, director of an Irvine, Calif. PetSmart store aptly characterized three Chihuahua-nappers as "idiots" after the trio swiped a bag full of the noisy, tiny pooches from a dog pound believing them to be vicious fighting dogs.

According to a Reuters story, after being told repeatedly by the in-store clinic staff that the dogs were not pit bulls, and in fact were Chihuahuas, the thieves responded, "No way, it's a pitbull."

Police arrested the Chihuahua gang -- Mehrad Sepanjasa, 19, Ariyo MacKay, 18, and Kamyar Katouzian, 24 -- after Morganthaler recognized the dogs from a flyer and convinced the men to return two days later to ask the veterinarian about their breed. Positive identification was made through the ID microchips planted under the dogs' skin.

But yes, the vet told them, these are Chihuahuas.

The thieves "were perturbed," Morganthaler said. "These guys are idiots."

In an unusual display of empathy for his abductors, Tico, the smallest of the purloined pups, said, "Eet was an honest meestake. We thought we were peet bulls, too."

Taking Life From Death

Ed. does not know how difficult is the decision facing Illinois Gov. George Ryan.

Gov. Ryan is, we assume, weighing heavily the fate of 160 Illinois Death Row inmates. Ryan lost his re-election bid, so he has weeks to decide their fates. Some time ago, he imposed a moratorium on execution of the death penalty because new evidence (DNA, generally) was brought forward in a number of cases. Many convictions were overturned. That is seen as a fatal flaw to imposition of the death penalty -- the killing of innocents.

Families of murder victims are outraged that all, or even some, death row inmates may have their sentences commuted to life imprisonment.

Perhaps Ryan's actions have been nothing more than a PR front to deflect scrutiny from inquiries about his campaign organization's fund-raising practices. It's a possibility, given the vicissitudes of the human conscience (vel non).

But political and legal ethics (as I said, vel non) aside, this is a burden that I shudder to think anyone could have to face. It is not dissimilar, perhaps, from what some have felt in deciding whether to send armies to war ... or whether to unleash mankind's inhumanity upon other human beings.

It is the decision for lives, or deaths. Deaths that many would say have been earned. Ed. would have hoped that the just deliberations of 12 men tried and true would have settled the questions beyond a reasonable doubt.

So it is a messy business, this justice. Either we change the system, or we make corrections to the outcomes as necessary to prevent a travesty of justice.

But the larger question really is: What is just? Isn't it.

This is not a rhetorical question. It is one that has an answer. It's just that it's an answer that's hard to like.

Justice is a quality based in moral rightness as seen by one or more human beings. Words like "principle" and "conformity" are used in the definition of "just."

Justice, then, is always relative to those who make the rules and to those who apply them. The word "consensus" comes to mind.

Therefore, error is an inherent possibility. Always. In all things human, whether decided by one, by all or by 12.

So, the imposition of justice is a matter of choice. Legislatures must choose which laws to enact. Judges decide which laws are applicable. Juries decide the status of the actions of the accused ... and whether to impose a sentence of death.

If errors can be made, and if we believe that life is so precious as to be worth killing for, then the process must have a backstop. At this point, the role of gatekeeper is being borne by one person - Gov. Ryan. He took it upon himself, true. But now that he has, he has to decide what if anything to do about the situation. At least until we, the people, choose a better way to deal with trials, evidence, defendants and human fallibility.

So if life is so important as to be worth killing for, what to do about the mere possibility of killing the wrong person?

Ed.'s father used to say: "Lose where you lose the least."

Humankind loses more in the death of the innocent, perhaps, than it gains by the death of the guilty.

After all, isn't the avenging of that innocence lost the strongest reason for imposing the penalty in the first place?

And if we are finding cases in which we can be no more sure of the guilt of a person than of his or her innocence, then we must err on the side of innocence. Even while damning those who cared less for the innocent than we.

It is only just.

And that is our burden.

Freedom Is Not Free

Frustrated in its attempt to deny U.S. citizen Jose Padilla his Constitutional right to an attorney, the Bush-league Administration is poised to push for a Constitutional amendment that would deny all rights to anyone critical of this Presidency, the Republican Party, conservatism in general and any current or past holder of public office who is Republican.

Padilla, who is accused of plotting an attack by means of a radioactive "dirty bomb," has been held incommunicado for six months in a Navy brig. Calling him an "enemy combatant," the U.S. Justice Department argues that street gang member Padilla, who may well have aligned himself with Al Qaeda, can be held indefinitely and denied the right to counsel.

U.S. District Judge Michael Mukasey, sitting in Manhattan, hasn't quite figured it out yet, but he ruled Wednesday that Padilla can meet with his attorneys and have his detention reviewed by a court.

Meanwhile, Louisiana-born Yaser Hamdi, who was captured while fighting with the Taliban in Afghanistan, remains sequestered in a Navy brig in Norfolk, Va. A federal judge had granted him access to his lawyers, but the ruling was stayed by an appeals court In Richmond, VA.

Ed. believes that the destruction caused by Osama Bin Laden, while immense and tragic, is insignificant in its scope compared to the damage to Liberty and Freedom that we are doing to ourselves.

Nobel Prize Candidate Ties The Knot

Research on world hunger, pestilence and disease apparently has no draw for the beautiful mind of Australian mathematician Burkard Polster, of Monash University.

Nope, Polster has unraveled a knotty problem of Gordian proportions. And this is his finding: When lacing shoes, neither the crisscross, nor straight-lace technique is the most efficient method. Strongest, yes. But wasteful in terms of lace material.

Nope, the most efficient method is ... TA DA ... "the bow-tie technique, in which the laces go across from one eyelet to another, down to the next one and then crisscross in a repeating pattern, uses all of the shoe’s eyelets but the least amount of lace."

Ed. has learned that in light of Polster's revelation, the Nobel Committee on Mathematics has thrown out all previous candidates for its famed prize.

To this remarkable discovery, Ed. responds: "Ya know, Burk, you should get some loafers and get out more. Meet a nice lady...go to the movies...take a walk in the park or something."

Yeah ... And His Point Is?

Baghdad officials, meaning Saddam Hussein's lackeys, are complaining that U.N. weapons inspections are a guise for spying by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency and Israel's Mossad..

And just what did Saddam think that the multi-national teams of inspectors were going to do if they found evidence of deadly chemical, biological or nuclear weaspons? Keep it a secret?!

Ed. thinks, by the way, that it would be a peachy idea if the inspectors were making detailed GPS maps of Hussein's heretofore secret palaces and hideouts as they attended to their daily rounds.

Last Year It Was Credenzas

A new Playboy poll reveals that the favorite place for women to have office sex is on a desk, according to a Monday Reuters article. Men prefer couches or chairs, apparently. Overall, the pollsters discovered that half of the women respondents had sex with an office intern at work, and that two-thirds of the females had slept with a co-worker. This includes the 46 percent of women who had slept with their boss.

Reacting to this news, Ed. has begun throwing out his office furniture, replacing all sofas and chairs with desks. Ed. has also demoted himself to an intern.

Bolivia Hit By Glut Of Cow's Hooves, Snouts -- World Markets Recoil

Now that McDonalds has abandoned Bolivia, under the burger chain's global restructuring plan, what is going to happen to the Bolivian market for otherwise inedible cow parts? World options traders say the news has rocked exchanges, with March delivery cow entrails falling to an all-time low. Ed.'s Sur American sources tell him that the pullout and resulting glut were engineered to prop up the McDonald's $1 Big Tasty promotion, since the sandwich can't be made for anywhere near a buck using real meat.

In The Heat Of Battle

Ed. assumes his particular strategic military advice won't be sought by Colombian defense minister Marta Lucia-Ramirez. According to the Reuters story, Lucia-Ramirez, the nation's first female defense chief, is locked into a struggle with 20,000 Marxist rebels. Strategists brainstormed and came up with a PsyOps option: Lure the rebels into defection by showering them on the battlefield with thousands of pocket-sized pictures showing bikini-clad models representing just one of democracy's many perks. Well, Lucia-Ramirez -- a former model -- nixed the idea.

Ed. thought this was a brilliant plan -- vastly more friendly to the environment than, say, dropping tons of napalm.

BTW, according to the rules of war down there, male guerrillas must obtain the permission of a higher-ranking officer before having sex with a female rebel. No word yet on to whom a female rebel may appeal the commander's ruling.

Museum Seeks More Old Crap

Has anyone seen Fred Warner's outhouse?

If so, please contact the Governor Warner Museum in Farmington, Michigan. They lost it.

Strippers Ignite Protests

Alleged discrimination in Norway's tax law on bare assets is sparking an international controversy, according to an AP story.

It seems that the all-male American Chippendale strip troupe has to pay only a 15-percent tax on their revenues. Meanwhile, foreign female strippers have to peel 24-percent of ticket sales off the top to give to the Norwegian tax man.

But Norway's Gender Equality Ombudsman Kristin Mile is investigating. Ed. imagines that Kristin will determine the naked truth of the matter after stripping away all the rhetoric and grinding out the raw numbers.

In a related story, Ed. reports that the Ombudsman of Lapland, Lotta Tatas, has filed suit in the World Court seeking past and future royalties from strippers across the globe who perform her country's native choreography routines without license and without paying the Laplanders their due.

"It's a gross violation of international copyright laws," said Tatas. "We created the Lap Dance and have been performing it at festivals for hundreds of years. Now, we understand that Lap Dances are being performed at every strip joint in the world. We want our fair share."

NEWS FLASH ... Ed. Note Endorses PETA

The Chicago-Sun-Times, Friday, reports that PETA is again mired in controversy. Personally, Ed. does not understand all the fuss being raised over PETA. Ed. likes PETA. In fact, he thinks PETA is the greatest thing since sliced white bread!

Imagine, Ed. says, what the world would be like without PETA.

No gyro sandwiches! No little grilled wedges of tasty white unleavened bread to eat on the side with your salad!

No jobs for all the factory workers who slave away all day and all night making those little round PETA bread thingies that go great with any meal!

Ed. is saddened by the thought that all this commotion may someday mean the end of PETA, and he wonders "what a town without PETA caaaaan dooo."

So You Think The 1st Thanksgiving Was About Crops and Turkeys

Well, as my dad used to say, "everything comes out in the wash."

Remember how piously your grade school teachers used to tell you about the Pilgrims and the Mayflower, and how Puritan settlers suffered through hard winters until they learned about agriculture and the abundant wildlife in the New Land?

Ha!

Wildlife indeed. As Bill Duryea of the Scripps Howard News Service tells the Chicago Sun-Times, the Pilgrims weren't such a bunch of dour, joyless fanatics after all.

Nope, it turns out that they drank three times as much booze per person as modern Americans, loved to go bowling, approved of premarital sex, and let their daughters bed down with the hired help as compensation for a full day's work.

Four hundred years later, on this day, let us reflect on the bounties that we enjoy, the humble origins of this great land and the lasting traditions handed down to us by our forefathers and foremothers ... among them, bowling, booze and sex. May we, through daily effort, forever be worthy of this feast so hard earned by those who came before us to carve out a new life in a new land.

Now, pass me the dark meat and hey, while you're up, can you grab me another beer and flip the toob to the bowling finals on ESPN.

And tonight, hon ... we're going to play "Settler woman and the Indian Chief."

God Bless America!

and God Bless You All!

This Is Not Funny

What in the world is fertility specialist Dr. Severino Antinori thinking?

In an MSNBCi, AP and Reuters story, Antimori, speaking from Rome, is saying that the first-ever cloned human (his doing) will be born in January. In May, the Italian embryologist announced that three women were pregnant with clones. In animal experiments, according to the account, there are hundreds of unsuccessful tries for every cloning success. Most scientists reject human cloning because of the great risk of creating deformed or sick babies.

Ed.'s questions: If the experiment fails to deliver a whole, healthy child, what will the fate of the live newborn be? What (Italian?) law will be applied to that outcome, and what status will be attributed to the unfortunate creature that results?

There are those who desire they be the sole arbiters of what constitutes human life, and when. The laws of the United States have allowed that, to a point.

Now what?

Bearly Compatible

A new dating service is now available in Beijing to help smelly, lazy, dim-witted suitors find their ideal mates. It seems males of the species refuse to do the nasty with prospective females, who apparently are only open to the idea once every two or three years, anyway.

And This Message from the CPSC

The Cobra are Poisonous Snakes Commission reminds cobra promoters and handlers that grabbing a deadly, venomous snake by the tail can have serious consequences, as told in this Chicago Sun-Times story, courtesy of AP. As noted in the account, "Without warning, the snake bit his left hand."

In their never-ending attempt to legislate common sense, the few remaining Democrats in Congress pledged to push a bill that would outlaw warningless snake bites. "People have a right to know that they are about to die from a snakebite," said one top House Dem. Supporting the measure were members of the pro-human advocacy group, Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People. While fellow Democrats on the Hill also pushed for warning labels on lethal reptiles, House GOP member were crafting a "carry law" that would allow people to carry concealed deadly snakes for self defense purposes.

Meanwhile, a top White House official said President Bush would ask the United Nations to authorize deployment of a Poisonous Snake Inspection Team to inspect foreign countries believed to have Reptiles of Mass Destruction (RMD). Under the measure, the subject nation would have 10 days to declare the presence of RMDs and another 10 days to defang them, before UN troops and inspectors entered the country. Bush, however, is asking the UN Security Council to authorize unilateral military action by the US should poisonous snakes be located by inspectors.

Cats Are From Venus, Dogs Are From Pluto

A kitchen discussion overheard one Saturday morning at Ed. and Pamela's home concerning the recent debate over the relative intelligence of dogs vs. cats ...

"You fellows know, of course, that canines hold a distinct IQ advantage over cats," Jordy, Pam's pup, said to his feline housemates, TP and Nitro.

"After all," said Jordy, who was adding droplets of lemon juice as he whipped up a rich Hollandaise sauce, "what do cats do, other than slice things open without warning and then come around wanting to have their neck scratched? How smart do you have to be to pee in the same box everyday?"

"Oh, here we go again," mumbled TP. Sliding out from a black metal computer housing, TP took off an anti-static strap and, putting down a new cd burner he was installing, replied: "Actually, Jordan, you know felines are extremely gifted beings. ... Foo, I forgot to set the jumpers on the IDE device. ... Where was I? Oh yes. Cats, to the kit, are inherently brilliant and gifted. Our vocabulary is rich and full; our spirit noble and giving."

"Oh, catnip, Teep," said Jordy, who by this time was shaking a light flurry of powdered sugar onto the sweet Crepes Suzette he had rolled. "Do you really think cats are even as smart as dogs? I seem to remember one fat, gray little kitty who had to be taught by a dog how to snatch fallen nibblets from under the dining table when the People were eating.

"And we're not even going to talk about your furball friend, over there," said Jordan, pointing his muzzle toward the cardboard box that held a crouching Nitro."

"What do you mean, you flop-eared flea machine," hissed Nitro, who by this time could be seen as a small black and white head peering out from the mouth of the box. "I wouldn't be signing up for any Mensa qualification tests if I were you, J. I mean. c'mon, you're how old and still haven't learned that dogs aren't supposed to pee in the cat box?

Jordy carved another strawberry into a rose and arranged it on a plate.

"What? There's a sign on it?"

Nitro continued: "In my last research paper, which I might add was published in the noted Journal of Comparative Animal Psychology, I detailed the indisputable results of numerous studies showing that cats test out, on average, two standard deviations above the mean in the widely-accepted FSB (Feline Stanford-Binet) assessment of intelligence. Dogs, on the other paw, while of relatively high IQ when compared to People, rarely score higher than "bright average."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to the composition of my newest symphony, 'Hissssssss in D Minor'. "

"Cats!" sighed Jordan. "They get Solti to conduct one or two symphonies, and they think they know everything."

TP, who had his eyes fixed on the IBM's monitor, which was filled with hexadecimal coding, lifted a paw off the keyboard and extended it sideways in the air, like a Jerry Springer guest.

"Yo, will you two please pipe down. Gates needs this subroutine by Friday or the new tablet computers can't ship until Q1 '03. And the NSA wants the Hyper Encryption Algorithm ASAP."

"Sorry, Teep," Jordy said. "Anyway, breakfast is ready."

... Meanwhile, in another room, Ed. and Pamela switched off the Simpsons rerun marathon they'd been watching, and headed for the kitchen.

HU'S ON FIRST

Oh geez, Ed. just read this and is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off!

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?

Will the 27th person in line to be the Al-Qaida Mastermind please stand up.

Okay, for those of you trying to keep score, it IS about the seventh time the Persian Gulf Mastermind of Al-Qaida has been captured (AP). Also, AQ's No.1 Money Man has been captured at least five times. Ed. finds this accounting perfectly plausible under the theory that every time we catch the No. 1 guy, the No. 2 guy gets promoted, and so on. This is going to continue until the US and its Allies begin working from the bottom, up. We have to go after the No. 27 guy in Al-Qaida, then No. 26. That way when we do nab No. 1, there won't be anyone left to take his place.

Got Milk

Well, Ed. has just been chortling all morning and snorting milk out his nose over this Jesus as Pitchman thing outta Detroit (infra). The guy's gone totally daft, singing to himself all day. To wit:


What if Christ drove a Subaru,
To get to work, just like me and you.
Shiny paint, all clean and new,
and bumpers made of chrome,
to drive the J Dude back to home,
chatting on his new cell phone.

... to his pitchman back in Rome.

Scientist To Create Life!

The New York Times tells us Thursday that Dr. J. Craig Venter of the Institute for Genomic Research is trying to create a living cell by chemically synthesizing all its components. Dr. Venter figures to synthesize a bit of DNA and stuff it into a manufactured cell to create a thingy with no useful functions. Sigh, remember the good ol' days when people reproduced the old-fashioned way? Ed. wonders whether the good doctor has been watching too many late night horror flix.

Jesus Nets Endorsement Deal

John Porretto, of AP, tells the Chicago Sun-Times that Detroit religious groups have kicked off a "What Would Jesus Drive" campaign. Apparently the Big J prefers subcompact cars. Ed. had thought that this transportation choice question was answered some time back by St. Joan Osborne, who divined that Jesus, in fact, takes the bus.
Jesus was unavailable for comment, Thursday, but a spokesman told Ed. Note, "Jesus actually has a number of endorsement deals in development. Microsoft, Nike, and The Gap are among the front runners. One fast food megachain is pitching a 'Holy Meal.' " Ed. can hear the jingle now: "Two beef-flavored wafers, special sauce, lettuce. cheese, pickle, onion on a sesame seed bun!" (Wait a minute! Don't they already sell that?) A competing burger chain is hoping JC will buy into their new, "Have it Yahweh" campaign.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Buddha confirmed that the B Man is developing a line of burlap clothing to be featured through a prime product placement deal in the next James Bond film, "Enough Is Enough."

And Just Who The Hell Is Ed. Note?

Ed. Note (but you can call him, "Ed.") is a veteran Chicago newspaper reporter/investigator/editor who spent decades covering the daily dramas of that great Midwestern city. This blog is his way of presenting news and opinion to readers without the tyrannical, oppressive meddling of (mis)managing editors and assistant flunkies. Oh, the stories I could tell! But he has some good ones, too, that he'll share with you from time to time. ... Like the time he scooped the esteemed cop beat reporter from an opposing paper while taking a whiz on a bush one night when he was out covering a hostage story. A cop had taken his wife and his partner hostage over some perceived ill turn of fate, but he let the partner go. Once outside, the partner had to "go." And when he went, Ed. was going too. Well, the two guys sharing the bush began bantering about the freezing winter weather and the nearby unfolding drama. People are funny with reporters: either they won't talk, or you just can't shut them up. So, the liberated gendarme filled Ed. in on every little detail involved in the hostage-taking incident (which ended peacefully). Admittedly, sometimes news is like a hotdog ... you do NOT want to know how it was made. But the Windy City has more than 3 million stories. This has been one of them.

Coverup Foiled!

Benjamin Weiser pens that a U.S. District Court judge on The Rock has overturned a New York state law that banned the wearing of masks at public gatherings. This blog has learned that children across the state expressed relief at the ruling. "Geez, I thought the cops were going to do a Louima on me when they busted me for wearing my Spiderman mask last Halloween," said little Jimmy (last name withheld), 9, of W. East St., B'lyn."

Does That Include Popcorn Sales?

A former colleague, and a really nice guy, Jan Herman, writes in his most current The Juice column (MSNBCi) that estimated ticket sales for M&M's "8 Mile" were inflated by $2 mil. No need to hold a Tag Day for M, though ... the rap flick still grossed $19.3 mil on its second go. And he still kisses his ma with that mouth! (M, that is. Not Jan.)

Indiana U Students Film Video Resumes

One more article from the Chicago Sun-Times (and AP). It seems that a bunch of IU students have latched onto a new way to showcase their talents.

Short Odds

The Chicago Sun-Times, today, reports that four daughters of lame duck Gov. George Ryan (R), have received immunity from federal prosecution to testify before a grand jury investigating their pop. Ryan, while Illinois Secretary of State, surrounded himself with a bunch of creeps who (successfully) aspired to become felons, selling drivers' licenses to commercial vehicle operators who flunked state tests. Some went on to kill people in traffic accidents. (The Gov. professes ignorance.) Now, the grand jury is probing payments the Gov's kids received for doing political work. Oddsmakers are betting that Ryan doesn't make it 30 days out of office before being indicted by the feds. Shame, shame, George!

Personal to Michael "Airhead" Jordan:

For Pete's Sake, Mike! You wore baggy gym shorts down to your knees and you still couldn't keep it in your pants. What an ass.

Say It Loud: HELL NO!

After spending decades as a Chicago newspaper journalist, I must say it is more than somewhat ironic that the Chicago Tribune (It's not your Colonel's rag anymore.) should become a beacon of Libertarian values. But history aside, today's Trib piece by Kathleen Parker aptly states: "As homeland security heats up and federal officials consider extending the government's plans to--oh, let's just go ahead and say it--spy on Americans, patriotic citizens who value civil liberties might want to start practicing a few words that could prove useful in the coming weeks and months: "Not no, but hell no.' "

One of life's great truisms is that "The Wheel Always Turns." One day, when political balance is restored to the Hill, many extant and future legislative rollbacks in civil liberties will, themselves, be undone. Until that time, "Bar the doors, Katie!" I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who opined: "A society that would trade a little freedom for a little more order deserves neither, and will lose both."

City of Unions

The Chicago Tribune today reports that the corporate thugs at Safeway have learned a lesson about doing business in the Windy City: Chicago Unions Push Back - Hard!

Whether this is a an entirely positive development for the workers of the once-honorable Dominick's Food Stores chain remains to be seen. But it does have value in again demonstrating to Corporate America that trade unionism is not dead (despite the wishes of Big Business). Historically, unions have been accused of everything from Communist politics to national economic meltdowns, but the Truth is that when balanced against obscenely high executive salaries and the shareholder-is-god mentality, it's better for everyone that workers are paid enough to feed, clothe and educate their families. If they win good insurance and pension benefits, all the better.

Welcome to my blog. I am Ed. Note, and I invite you to put on a good rant during our time together ... I sure will! This blog will be frequently updated.